A 'ring 'ting jingle on a merry shopping spree.
Shoo the kids from candy-toting strangers
And dump the caterwaulering brats
In a red-dudded fatty's lap
On a velvety crimson knee
So embraced by lecherous mitts
Gawked through cataract-blinded eyes
And smiled-upon with booze-rosy cheeks
Part with ten dollars for fuzzy prints
Of kids with candy-toting strangers
On a merry shopping spree
Have a merry holiday gumbo of knotted lights and sagging trees.
Fill babes' bellies with lots of HFCS and MSG
Who brought that waxy chocolate?
Who forgot the strong whiskey?
What good is a sock-toting Santa?
The roasted-reindeer smells quite yummy.
Come here you little pests, time to hear a story,
It's a real-life adventure called Christmas,
And a lush named Santa Somebody.
Now put away your socks,
Re-knot the lights, and kill that sagging tree